The Egg and the Ego

One morning, with my pajamas on, I wandered along the Grove to hunt for an opened coffee shop or cafe. Then it struck me! Walang bukas na coffee shop! Why oh why. The sun is up. People need something to wake them up. Like a curing cup of coffee.

One evening, with my haggard look on, I wandered along the Grove again to…wala lang. I just wanted to tire my feet off. Then I discovered (as if it was not obvious before) and realized, that many coffee shops and cafes are open only at night! Ano? Kung kelan kailangan nang matulog ng mga tao!

What’s happening to this crazy cup of coffee?

I had experienced a personal drought just recently. My pocket had gone empty. No food to eat. No water to drink. No penny to spend. No anything. All I had then is nothing. All I had is, literally speaking, my nothingness. Or emptiness. And when you thought that you have known the worst thing about this, you are absolutely wrong. No one knew about this, except for me. And this happened for about a week.

But, those were just material things. Let me reiterate it one more time so that you may notice the contrasting states that I am about to uncover. All I had then is nothing. Nothing is left in me but my cheerful heart ahead of the situation. I could say that I never cried or wailed for that matter. And I cannot afford not to smile during those times. I never worried about tomorrow. I never blamed anyone. I was not affected at all.

Although, you might say that I could have felt helpless at that point, I would say that I felt the other way around. I considered everything good and perfect as a miracle right before my eyes. One morning when I peeked into my wallet, I saw a shining, shimmering, splendid twenty bucks. Then I rejoiced. I thanked the good Lord for saving money in my wallet. The following day, my friends gave out a treat in a fast food resto. I had one full meal for free. I really felt that God is so good that He never forgets me in times of need. But I discovered one of the most wonderful thing about how the Lord moves the following day.

It was a Sunday. I knelt down and started to pray. But I can’t pray and utter words. I began to cry. I felt that God is releasing something to me, something really wonderful. Something I could not comprehend. It seemed like every tear that fell from my then cheerful eyes was communing to Him. I just cried. I cried my heart out. Not just the superficial heart where the well of emotions lies. The cry came from deep within. Then I sat down the floor and wept again.

Isaiah 40, I opened my bible. Comfort for God’s People. Honestly, I have receieved and read those words for the entire week but I just smiled and said, Thank you, Lord for thy comfort. I never thought God would touch me and embrace me at that particular moment. I really felt it. He was there, right beside me, crying with me. He said, Cry out. And I said, What shall I cry? (Isaiah 40:6) It was real. So real that I could hear Him speaking to me.

It was then that I realized the deep within comfort He provided me for the entire week. Yes, I was confident that He was there but He knew that I disregarded the silent opportunity of just shedding tears infront of His throne. He knew very well that I was weak and weary. He knew that I could fall down on my knees anytime. He knew that I had to be comforted by something so strong and real. And there it happened. I was comforted from the depths of my heart. My spirit was revived. God comforted me deep within. It was not His miracles that made me survive that week but it was His undying comfort that no one can fathom and imitate. I experienced God’s comfort lifting me up, deep within.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew his strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

"Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who
could not hear the music." - Friedrich Nietzsche

This message sounds so real that it hurts too deep. I am really challenged and inspired by this message. In Christian cliched jargons, this calls for evangelism. Although we are not (and we should never be) ashamed of our salvation in Christ, we should let the unbelievers know why we scream at the top of our lungs when we pray or why we raise our hands too high when we praise Him. But, if the world sees Christians as insane people, then how blessed it is to be insane and crazy for God! Let’s all be insane and love the Lord!

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?" Romans 10:14

I am looking for a lost special friend. She is my bestfriend. Her name is Luzviminda Cadag. I miss her. We never talked since after our high school graduation. I do not have any means of contacting her. I have to talk to her or see her. I know she is not fine. It is my honor to comfort her.

Rare is the love of shedding blood

Great is to love and to die

To carry the transgressions of this world of grave wounds

To suffer and to be scoffered upon

To swallow shame of the pain on nails

Fair not it is to ignore the rare precious love on the cross

Rare is to love the Ground who buried you

Great is the love of Christ

It’s always like this. When I plan to write something, I always run after ‘cool’ ideas. They just keep on escaping from my head. Sigh. Then I try to scribble, or type, things all of a sudden. Whoa there horsey! Just like these writings here! Yippee… I am about to begin.

Most of the time, we end up hanging around. We do not know exactly what we ever wanted to do, or what we ever wanted to have. Then we stand up, look high and break ourselves into pieces like a champagne glass who kissed the maroon floor. Caught in one corner, we imagine ourselves picking up our scattered pieces. Here comes our personal adhesive that comes in so handy. We start gluing our pieces together. Do we get what we ever wanted? Do we have what ever we desired to take hold of? Unfortunately, NO, not most of the times. But is it not great that we become someone we least expected? Is it not great that we are plainly…nothing? It is still us anyway.

I greatly value the value of valuing one’s self. Try it. Love yourself. Embrace that longing, weak body. How do you feel? Obscurely secured? Securely obscured? Well, at least, you belong to yourself.

Be proud of who you are, despite of being scattered. When you love the person that you are, it does not matter who you are anymore. Anyway, you are created under good quality control. I am so sure that we are like cookies ready for the hot oven. We could not just imagine how excited our baker is now that after molding us into his perfect standard, he is about to digest us, in pleasure.

Don’t look down. Love yourself. Learn it. It all comes down to loving yourself. Trust me.